Fade in.

An actor sits at his desk, coloring in a coloring book with a Crayola. He is coloring so emphatically that he breaks his only blue crayon. The actor reaches for his intercom and presses the button.

ACTOR
Lonny, can you bring me a blue crayon? I’d like it only to be dark blue, not like a smurf blue, more like a…navy blue, but less navy more…army. But not green, blue.

Silence.

ACTOR
Loooooooooooooooooooonny!

Silence.

ACTOR
Okay, I’m sorry, am I missing something? Did we not cast this woman, or…?

STAGE MANAGER
Okay yeah, sorry about that…yeah, the writers kind of…they talked about the idea for this sketch before the strike, but never really wrote it down on paper.

ACTOR
So…okay, I’m sorry, I’m missing something…should I be like…improv-ing, or…?

STAGE MANAGER
Oh…oh yeah, that would be…GREAT.

ACTOR
Okay so…you want me to improv this scene. By myself. When I have no idea what the joke even is.

STAGE MANAGER
Right, yes.

ACTOR
Okay…is THIS a joke?

Stage Manager turns to his headset to get the answer from the booth.

STAGE MANAGER
No.

ACTOR
Okay…

STAGE MANAGER
Aaaaaaaaand…whenever you’re ready.

An actor sits at his desk, coloring in a coloring book with a Crayola. He is coloring so emphatically that he breaks his only blue crayon. The actor reaches for his intercom and presses the button.

ACTOR
Lonny, can you bring me a blue crayon? I’d like it only to be dark blue, not like a smurf blue, more like a…navy blue, but less navy more…army. But not green, blue.

Silence

ACTOR
Oh…it seems as though you are…not there. Perhaps you are sick today? You have a little cold? Maybe a touch of laryngitis and you can’t respond to my intercom cause you have no voice? Or maybe you’ve seen a horrible accident in your family and you’ve become deaf, dumb and blind…LONNY CAN YOU HEAR ME (to be sung like “Tommy can you hear me” from Tommy)? Okay, I’m sorry, this is dumb. I’m supposed to improv a scene that has to start with a line involving another character and yet, that other character doesn’t exist, and there has to be a blue crayon involved but lord KNOWS how, and it has to be good. And funny.

Stage Manager turns to his headset to get the answer from the booth.

STAGE MANAGER
Yes.

ACTOR
Okay…seriously???

Stage Manager turns to his headset to get the answer from the booth.

STAGE MANAGER
Yes.

ACTOR
Are you sure the uh, actors aren’t on strike too? I sort of think I should…ya know, be there. Wherever there is. Supporting them. Cheering them on. Maybe I should just…go…

STAGE MANAGER
Nope. Just the writers. And big stars. Really really big stars. People whose names everyone knows. Or at least some people. So, you won’t be needed there.

ACTOR
Right. Right. Okay, so uh…let’s do this.

STAGE MANAGER
Great. Whenever you’re ready.

An actor sits at his desk, coloring in a coloring book with a Crayola. He is coloring so emphatically that he breaks his only blue crayon. The actor reaches for his intercom and presses the button.

ACTOR
Lonny, can you bring me a blue crayon? I’d like it only to be dark blue, not like a smurf blue, more like a…navy blue, but less navy more…army. But not green, blue. Ya know blue, like the color of my face from talking to someone who’s not responding because they’re not there. But they MUST be there. If
they’re not there, then perhaps I have schizophrenia. Oh dear it appears as though I imagine people who aren’t there! Maybe I should start writing math equations on the wall with my beautiful mind.

The actor turns to the wall and begins scribbling numbers and equations all over it. This makes him crazier.

ACTOR
Ohhhh these NUMBERS! What do they all mean! Here I am writing numbers all over the wall…they must be symbolic of something, some other story line or plot that we will NEVER KNOW because of the Writer’s Strike!

STAGE MANAGER
You can’t talk about…

Actor begins to draw stick figure people on the wall.

ACTOR
Oh look here! Why it’s a group of Doctors whose love lives we RELY ON to get through our WEEKS! Somehow I feel better about myself knowing that the intern feels bad about sleeping with the resident…but will she EVER get back together with him? Will these other two doctors break up their marriage? WE WILL NEVER KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The actor crosses out the stick figures.

STAGE MANAGER
Okay, this is really hilarious, but you can’t…

ACTOR
Oh no. Oh NO. OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

The actor begins to attempt to wipe off what he’s drawn.

ACTOR
Noooo! I can’t believe I’ve done this! How will I EVER get this writing off the wall??? You know what would help is a total home makeover! Well, unfortunately they could come in, but because there’s no GOD DAMN script writers, WE WILL NEVER KNOW THE OUTCOME!!! So here I will sit, in my horrible office, with my HORRIBLE LIFE, and my NO-MAKEOVER. This is JUST GREAT.

STAGE MANAGER
Okay, CUT.

ACTOR
Good stuff there, huh?

STAGE ACTORGAGER
I don’t think you can do that.

ACTOR
Do what…be awesome?

STAGE MANAGER
I don’t think you can refer to stories and plot lines from shows like that. I mean you’ve single-handedly mentioned “A Beautiful Mind”, “LOST”, “Grey’s Anatomy”, and that home makeover show with the gay guy.

ACTOR
Yeah well, “Search for the Next Elvira” was next if you hadn’t cut me off.

STAGE MANAGER
Ya know what? Why doesn’t everyone just take ten. It’ll give us some time to think about how to go about doing this.

ACTOR
I’m all about taking ten. But I should warn you, the writers haven’t even finished writing this scene, so…

STAGE MANAGER
Aw man, no way are you kidding? So what, we’re just gonna stand here awkwardly and it’s gonna be over? It’s just gonna end while we stand here uncomfortably staring at each other?

The actor nods. Both stand there uncomfortably looking at each other. Fade to black.